Monday, December 28, 2009

Random blog post!

If you know me then you probably know that I am random and I tend to be strange.  

If you don't know me...well I am the kind of person who will have a conversation with someone and imagine the whole thing as a scene in a movie.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with poetry or a song in my head and I have to get up to write it down.  I don't always sleep well at night so I sleep in late most of the time....I like to think that it is because at night my creativity is flowing more than it does in any other part of the day so I don't want to waste it!  I over analyze... well EVERYTHING...but that is just how I am.

Basically as a person sometimes I think I can be pretty shallow, and other times I am so deep I will probably drown you.  In other words... If people were pools you wouldn't want me in your back yard.  

Basically I am saying all of this to make sure everyone understands my randomness.

Every day we all look at ourselves in the mirror.
Well today I looked in the mirror, and I couldn't just walk away.
I leaned in closer to get a better look and I couldn't help myself...I started to touch my face.  My forehead, eyebrows, cheeks...
I started making faces in the mirror...smiling, frowning, raising my eyebrows winking at myself...etc...just the regular stuff..
And I couldn't help but imagine myself with wrinkles.
What my face would look like if I had aged a few decades as I stood right in front of that mirror.  

I wondered if I would have smile lines.  Or if I would have wrinkles that young kids would look at and assume that I was angry or unhappy.

Then I started thinking about time. What if I let time slip through my fingers.
What if I let all of my dreams fade away because I am expected to be like everyone else.
To be honest I absolutely hate the idea of living a "normal" life. (No offense to those of you who are living it) 
The idea of going to college to get a job that I will hate...then get married...have kids...and live in a nice little house...where I have a little garden to take care of just doesn't appeal to me...(and who knows maybe my mind will change about this whole thing in the next 4 years) 
I hate the idea of reciting the words "I love you" to my husband and kids like it is nothing. I hate the idea of falling into a mindless routine....this is a very negative side of what is considered normal....It is the right life for some people. ( offense)

But I see it so often.  The families that look perfect.  
You know the mom smiles at everyone, but yells at her daughter to be "respectful"...emotionless always do what is "right" no questions asked....that mom never knew her daughter skips lunch everyday...or that she cries herself to sleep every night.

The dad that is convinced that the smile he see's on his son's face is genuine that his dreams are the same dreams his son has...that dad never realized that in his son's drawer is a blood stained knife.

The sister who has a younger sibling who worships her, but she swears at her left and right even thought she is her own flesh and blood

.... I could go on and on... stories that I have really seen.

I hate the idea of living a fake life.  A life that is simply modeled for everyone else to look at.
Guess what! Life isn't perfect.  

As I looked in the mirror the reflection at I saw was a person. One unique person who is an individual.  No one is the same as me.   I have dreams, passion, and time.  I shouldn't waste it on being like everyone else.  Maybe this is too anti conformity...but really.

I don't want to fall into the routine of living.
I don't want to just get by.
I want to live my dreams.
Be who I am.
And be able to look in the mirror years from now an see those wrinkles and think.
I lived my life to the fullest.
None of these wrinkles are mistakes.
I lived every second and everyday achieving my dreams.

Step out of the stereotypical life.
Take a chance.
Don't let everyone else dominate who you can be.
Follow your dreams. 
They are the only thing that is still clear when your eyes are closed.
Be who you are.

Take a look in the mirror.
What do you see?

~Janey Lu

Monday, December 21, 2009

Random talking...

There was a time when I thought that the idea of "finding yourself" was stupid.
I heard of stories of people I knew breaking up with their boyfriends...
so they had to go and "find themself". 
Someone I know actually left home and flew here to Michigan...from a way far away state.  
All because she had to "find herself". 
The truth is...I don't think she ever did.

The idea of doing this always seemed completely idiotic to me. 
Because how do you lose yourself in the first place?

I recently realized it is completely possible to "lose" yourself.
I think that it happens when you change for a person.

A person who should never have the power to change you.
Sometimes it is just happens.
And it isn't always a bad thing.

But other times the result of a person or anything kind of creates a monster.
The change is more disguised, but it can be terrible.
Sometimes we lose ourselves because we don't want to hold on to who we are anymore.

There are so many people in the world.
The only problem is...
It is nearly impossible to find someone who is perfect.
Someone who...

Treats us how we want to be treated.
Or even need to be treated.
Knows how to fix every problem.
Knows exactly what to say.
Knows exactly when we need to be help.
Knows when an apology is needed.
Understands that pain doesn't go away easily.
Someone patient and caring.
Someone who knows you are wrong but will take your side at any cost.
You know what I am talking about.
The perfect friend.
Maybe even a perfect soul mate.
Someone who is everything we need and more.

It really is easy to get caught up in expectations.
Maybe trying to change in order to make other people happy.
Or maybe changing because someone else didn't reach your expectations.

Not a lot of this makes sense.
And I guess I wouldn't want it to because there is a lot to it.
It is a little bit much to share with cyperspace.
...I might murder some paper with a pen later.

Basically I haven't lost myself.
There are just pieces that need to be found.

~Janey Lu


Sunday, December 6, 2009

So this is what has been going on in my life.

This post is mainly just what has been going on in my life and some of the things I am figuring out along the way.  Blogging has basically been the very last thing on the list of things I could be doing so I don't post much.  But then again I don't know how many people actually care whether I post or not (I have no idea who reads this...BUT if you want to tell me then cool).

My life has consisted of a lot or reading and writing.
Reading for fun. A little bit of reading for school.
Writing like crazy because I love it. And writing essays for school.

Lots of homework and you can see.

In my spare time I have been writing, drawing/sketching pictures (I'm not very good though), reading, playing music, attempting to write music, and making things out of clay.  You know just random fun stuff. 

 Lately, one of the biggest things I have been doing.
Is trying to figure out what to do with my life.
...and I've got nothing.
Nothing but frustration and stress.
All because of this trapped feeling.
The feeling that I have to pick this one thing to do for the rest of my life.
I want to pick something that I am passionate about and can enjoy.
...and again I've got nothing.
So that is the stress in my life.

Moving on to the point of this post.
(I like to think there is always a point, but it normally ends up not being there)

The rest of my life is a blank page.
I can draw any picture.
I can write any poem.
The possibilities are endless.
There is no limit.
This is the beginning of who I can become.
But there is this one HUGE problem.
It's not that I am not motivated.
It's not that I am clueless.
It's the idea of not being happy.
Not doing the right thing.
It's FEAR.

I realize that every thing I do now has an affect on my future.
Transferring to a different college.
What college to transfer to.
Who I meet.
What I study....and on and on.
I know that everything I do will mold my future.
And that scares me.

So what are you afraid of?
What to do with...
The rest of your life?
A friendship?
A relationship?
A class?
A school?


Something I always seem to forget. 
Is that life is happening right now.
You can't stop it.
You can't slow it down.
There is nothing you can do but keep on going. 
Life is the most fragile thing we have.
Giving up is only letting yourself down.

For awhile I just stopped trying.
Giving up is the wrong thing to do.
We have one life.
It would be terrible to waste it with fear.
It is harder now that I realize it.
But I have to keep going on.

 So the point is...

Don't give up.
Don't be afraid.
Keep trying.
Stay strong.
Right here, right now.
This is your life.
What are you going to do with it?

~Janey Lu

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Do you ever feel trapped?

Trapped in insecurities.
Locked up in your own doubt.
Caught up in lies.
Lost in other people's expectations.

After a while you just lose all connection.
You fall out of orbit with all of your friends.
All because of a fall out. 
Or a let down.
After it all happens.
You forget who you are.

You wake up and look in the mirror.
The reflection in front of you is a mess.

The person you see is a stranger.
The reflection is empty and tired.
The look never goes away.
The look of sadness.
This reflection is what you have become.

You forget who you use to be.
And now this is you.
An unhappy mess.

Have you been there?
Maybe it is just me...
But more than ever.
Life has felt like an adventure.
There are so many people along the way.

Some people are there to get in your way.
Those people are the dead ends that don't deserve our time.
But they teach you a lot.
The lessons they give.
And the pain they cause.
Makes us who we are.
No matter how difficult it is.
They are there for a reason.

Other people are there to help you out.
I am fully convinced that God purposely puts these people in our lives.
To give us direction.
To pull us back into sanity.
And to show that friendships are important.
And people can be trusted.
These are the people who in a way seem to good to be true.
But believe or not they are real.

Some people need some help.
They are the ones that might be hurting.
Even though no one else sees it.
You might be there to help.

They would never ask for help.
But sometimes you can hear there silent screams.
There eyes betray them and reveal the pain they hold inside.
We come in contact with them to give them some comfort.
And hopefully to make their life a little bit better.

I guess the point is...
I was there.
To the point that no one else mattered.
I did not want to be involved in anyone's life.
And I wanted them to stay out of mine.
I didn't trust anyone.
And I was okay with that.
But it was not good for me.
And I know that now...

It really is okay to fall down...
To separate yourself from all reality.
To get hurt and feel the pain.

But you have to get up.
Get back into reality.
Let the pain go away.
And move on.

This is how we learn.
This is how we grow.
This is how we become who we are. 
So don't give up.
Keep going.

 ~Janey Lu



Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dream and Love like there is no Tomorrow

Yesterday I was working on a new blog post.
And I actually did make one.
I don't really know how it happened.

But all of these really crazy emotions.
Turned into this really really intense poem.
A poem that won't really do anyone any good.
Except maybe me because all of those feeling will be out in the open.
But it's not worth it.
So I wrote it down in my little book of "intenseness"...
And deleted it.
Which is why you are not reading it right now.

I think that there are better things to say.
Maybe we will talk about depressing stuff later.
So here it goes.

There are about...
3,700 babies aborted.
3,000 people who commit suicide. 
115 people who die in a car accident.
In America each day.

There are about...
1.8 deaths per second.
Over 100 deaths per minute.
150,000 deaths per day.
55,000,000 deaths per year.

And guess what!
The craziest thing about this is that... 

You survived.
You survived and maybe you never even realized that you could have died.
Every second. Every hour. Every Day... something tragic could have happened.

But YOU survived.
And what does this mean to you?

The point is.
We live every day.
Walking through the halls at school.
Going shopping.
Going to work.
Not realizing that we only live once.

I find it to be extremely easy...
To hold on to the past.
To see old faces and remember how they hurt me.
To find new faces and see how they let me down.
And I can be so angry when in all reality it is me.
I am the one who brings on my own pain.
I am the one who needs to live my dreams no matter who gets me down.
I think God put me here for a reason.
And how can I live for Him when I can't even live?

I think we all do this when really...

We Should...

Smile more often.
Happiness is contagious.
Hug our friends more.
I hear "hugs reduce stress"
Love more people.
Everyone needs to be loved.

We all have dreams.
And only you can make your dreams come true.
Every moment we have is important.
So why waste it?

~Janey Lu

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

What do you see?

I see people every day that inspire me.

Some that have this invisible strength.
A strength deep inside that just radiates through them.
A strength they themselves never acknowledge.

They can achieve anything.

They can make it through any problem.

Nothing can stop them and where they are going.

This inspires me to be more that what I am.
To actually move on.
Go and attack the world and stay strong.
To feel more than weak.
To be confident.

Another person I saw smiled.
Smiled because of a passion that was inside.
Because there was happiness in sharing their love with the world.
They had a passion that was apparent.
The thing that caught me about that smile was it was not painted.

It stayed.
Something genuine.

From deep inside the heart.

It seems like no matter what that smile of joy danced on their lips.

Because they were doing what made them the happiest.

This inspires me to smile more.
To find what makes me happy.
To follow passion and not money.
To live in joy rather than sadness.
To never spend a moment feeling down.
Because we only get to experience so many moments in a lifetime.

Have you ever seen a person?
A person so far from perfect.
But still lovable.

A person who is more lovable and innocent than any other person.

Because they are truly special.
Special because they need you.

And you always want to be there.

I saw a relationship like this.
I watch a smile explode on a face.
I look of love in someone's eyes.
A person with x-ray vision who saw deep inside.

Through the imperfection and into the innocence.

This is the kind of expression that happens in just seconds.

If you are not completely aware you will miss it.
Miss the sparkle in the eyes.
The joy comes from in the heart and escapes as a smile on the lips.

An expression of love that could not be described in a million words.

Those few seconds inspire me to love.
See through imperfection.
And try to see the beauty inside.
To never look at innocence as being "naive".
But to appreciate the small things.

~Janey Lu

Sometimes we need more help that we can provide for ourselves.
Opening up is good.
Facing fears is okay.
Closure is real.
And life is good.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fall down. Get up. This is here. Right now...


As I get older and older I realize more and more that life is not easy.
Some may laugh because I am still young...but I see it.
I realize that life is a learning experience.
But that is stupid.
What are we learning through out all of life? And when will we use what we learn in this life?
Maybe we are learning for someday in Heaven.
The fact is that we are learning.

Life is hard.
We win.
We lose.
We stand up.
Only to fall down.
We make relationships.
Only to watch them fall to pieces.
But why not keep trying?
Through all of the sadness their are happy moments.
With every problem their is a solution.
Their is always pain, but there is also pleasure.
Friendships come and go.
But the memories are still sweet.

Live Life.
I fall.
I fall to pieces.
Never an organized mess.
Just something I have to deal with.
But giving up is not a solution.

Life is a journey.
Sometimes there are bumps.
Sometimes those bumps turn into hills...
That really are mountains.
But what about the beauty of it?
Life is...
Sunshine in the rain.
A beautiful rainbow.
A breath of fresh air.
A smile that makes you feel like you could never cry again.
A hug when you need it.
Life is being alive.

I guess the reason why I am saying all of this is because...
Life is so much more than what we are feeling right now.
Happy or Sad.
Life is the years behind us and the years ahead.
If we don't make the best of what we have no matter how good or bad.
Then we fail.
We fail ourselves.
For not living and taking advantage of this adventure.
We are here. Right here. Right now.
Life is happening. We don't have to try to figure this out.
Just Live Life.

~Janey Lu

Saturday, October 3, 2009

We only live once

Today I saw a woman.
Her eyes looked empty.
Her lips were shaped in a perfect frown.
As if they never wore a smile.
She worked and looked miserable.
As if nothing in this life pleased her.
I smiled at her and tried to make conversation.
But she seemed to be set.
Set in a routine of nothing she wanted to do.
There was no passion.
This woman bothered me.
A lot.
And she isn't a rare kind.
I see this often.
People who look as if they live to do nothing.
They go through a routine.
Just to get by.
Passion is nonexistent.
They would never live out their dreams.
It is too childish to believe you can live life AND be happy.
People like this bother me.
I never want someone to look at me and think...
"She is unhappy and miserable"
What is life if we don't live it?
Everyone has a passion that burns in their soul.
A goal. A dream. Some kind of hope.
Why do we let go?
Don't we only get to live once?
Why don't we embrace our passions?
Take what you have and live a life of happiness.
No one is standing in our way but ourselves.
What is life if we waste it?

Friday, October 2, 2009

In all honesty. I am just a liar...


They are the worst!
Taking words and folding them up to make sharp objects that will only hurt other people.
There are those "white lies" that people love to excuse.
But truth be told.
Sometimes they are worse than those full out black and dirty lies.

I can honestly say that I have had people come up to me and look straight into my brown eyes and lie. They lie through their teeth spitting out poisonous words.

Those lies are just a start.
Just a scab compared to the scars I can make on my own.
A lie is told.
I chew on it.
I swallow it.
I let it eat me inside.
Hurting my heart.
Distracting everything in the present.
And I tell myself...
You don't deserve better.
No one will tell the truth.
No one is worth trusting.
Give up.
Be let down.
Fall down.
Fall hard.
Hit the ground...
And remember no one will help you up.
Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie.
Label it.
Write it down.
We all do this to ourselves.
A liar can only give us a scratch.
We turn it into the bleeding wound.
The scab we can't help but pick.
The scar we would never dare show.
The weakness we never want to admit to.
I hold my scars weakly.
I pick them painfully.
I sleep with them.
They wake me up.
I let the wound bleed.
I am my own misery.
And there is nothing else I can do.
But let go.
Even if it feels impossible.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tick Tock Tick Tock....not enough time in my life! But a blog seems fun!

Well hello everyone! (Which is actually probably only like 2 people)
Thank you for coming!

In all honesty I have been thinking about making a blog for a while now, but I never had the time. I have a lot to say and not very many people who care to listen. So this is just me and all of my emotions and thoughts exploding into cyberspace! If you want to read. Please read. If you don't. Then get out of here!!

And now for those of you who have decided that maybe I have something entertaining to say thank you. Please, feel free to tell me what you think. It's nice to hear other people's opinions.

Now that the introduction is over.

This is Janey Lu's Blog!