Monday, December 28, 2009

Random blog post!

If you know me then you probably know that I am random and I tend to be strange.  

If you don't know me...well I am the kind of person who will have a conversation with someone and imagine the whole thing as a scene in a movie.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with poetry or a song in my head and I have to get up to write it down.  I don't always sleep well at night so I sleep in late most of the time....I like to think that it is because at night my creativity is flowing more than it does in any other part of the day so I don't want to waste it!  I over analyze... well EVERYTHING...but that is just how I am.

Basically as a person sometimes I think I can be pretty shallow, and other times I am so deep I will probably drown you.  In other words... If people were pools you wouldn't want me in your back yard.  

Basically I am saying all of this to make sure everyone understands my randomness.

Every day we all look at ourselves in the mirror.
Well today I looked in the mirror, and I couldn't just walk away.
I leaned in closer to get a better look and I couldn't help myself...I started to touch my face.  My forehead, eyebrows, cheeks...
I started making faces in the mirror...smiling, frowning, raising my eyebrows winking at myself...etc...just the regular stuff..
And I couldn't help but imagine myself with wrinkles.
What my face would look like if I had aged a few decades as I stood right in front of that mirror.  

I wondered if I would have smile lines.  Or if I would have wrinkles that young kids would look at and assume that I was angry or unhappy.

Then I started thinking about time. What if I let time slip through my fingers.
What if I let all of my dreams fade away because I am expected to be like everyone else.
To be honest I absolutely hate the idea of living a "normal" life. (No offense to those of you who are living it) 
The idea of going to college to get a job that I will hate...then get married...have kids...and live in a nice little house...where I have a little garden to take care of just doesn't appeal to me...(and who knows maybe my mind will change about this whole thing in the next 4 years) 
I hate the idea of reciting the words "I love you" to my husband and kids like it is nothing. I hate the idea of falling into a mindless routine....this is a very negative side of what is considered normal....It is the right life for some people. ( offense)

But I see it so often.  The families that look perfect.  
You know the mom smiles at everyone, but yells at her daughter to be "respectful"...emotionless always do what is "right" no questions asked....that mom never knew her daughter skips lunch everyday...or that she cries herself to sleep every night.

The dad that is convinced that the smile he see's on his son's face is genuine that his dreams are the same dreams his son has...that dad never realized that in his son's drawer is a blood stained knife.

The sister who has a younger sibling who worships her, but she swears at her left and right even thought she is her own flesh and blood

.... I could go on and on... stories that I have really seen.

I hate the idea of living a fake life.  A life that is simply modeled for everyone else to look at.
Guess what! Life isn't perfect.  

As I looked in the mirror the reflection at I saw was a person. One unique person who is an individual.  No one is the same as me.   I have dreams, passion, and time.  I shouldn't waste it on being like everyone else.  Maybe this is too anti conformity...but really.

I don't want to fall into the routine of living.
I don't want to just get by.
I want to live my dreams.
Be who I am.
And be able to look in the mirror years from now an see those wrinkles and think.
I lived my life to the fullest.
None of these wrinkles are mistakes.
I lived every second and everyday achieving my dreams.

Step out of the stereotypical life.
Take a chance.
Don't let everyone else dominate who you can be.
Follow your dreams. 
They are the only thing that is still clear when your eyes are closed.
Be who you are.

Take a look in the mirror.
What do you see?

~Janey Lu

Monday, December 21, 2009

Random talking...

There was a time when I thought that the idea of "finding yourself" was stupid.
I heard of stories of people I knew breaking up with their boyfriends...
so they had to go and "find themself". 
Someone I know actually left home and flew here to Michigan...from a way far away state.  
All because she had to "find herself". 
The truth is...I don't think she ever did.

The idea of doing this always seemed completely idiotic to me. 
Because how do you lose yourself in the first place?

I recently realized it is completely possible to "lose" yourself.
I think that it happens when you change for a person.

A person who should never have the power to change you.
Sometimes it is just happens.
And it isn't always a bad thing.

But other times the result of a person or anything kind of creates a monster.
The change is more disguised, but it can be terrible.
Sometimes we lose ourselves because we don't want to hold on to who we are anymore.

There are so many people in the world.
The only problem is...
It is nearly impossible to find someone who is perfect.
Someone who...

Treats us how we want to be treated.
Or even need to be treated.
Knows how to fix every problem.
Knows exactly what to say.
Knows exactly when we need to be help.
Knows when an apology is needed.
Understands that pain doesn't go away easily.
Someone patient and caring.
Someone who knows you are wrong but will take your side at any cost.
You know what I am talking about.
The perfect friend.
Maybe even a perfect soul mate.
Someone who is everything we need and more.

It really is easy to get caught up in expectations.
Maybe trying to change in order to make other people happy.
Or maybe changing because someone else didn't reach your expectations.

Not a lot of this makes sense.
And I guess I wouldn't want it to because there is a lot to it.
It is a little bit much to share with cyperspace.
...I might murder some paper with a pen later.

Basically I haven't lost myself.
There are just pieces that need to be found.

~Janey Lu


Sunday, December 6, 2009

So this is what has been going on in my life.

This post is mainly just what has been going on in my life and some of the things I am figuring out along the way.  Blogging has basically been the very last thing on the list of things I could be doing so I don't post much.  But then again I don't know how many people actually care whether I post or not (I have no idea who reads this...BUT if you want to tell me then cool).

My life has consisted of a lot or reading and writing.
Reading for fun. A little bit of reading for school.
Writing like crazy because I love it. And writing essays for school.

Lots of homework and you can see.

In my spare time I have been writing, drawing/sketching pictures (I'm not very good though), reading, playing music, attempting to write music, and making things out of clay.  You know just random fun stuff. 

 Lately, one of the biggest things I have been doing.
Is trying to figure out what to do with my life.
...and I've got nothing.
Nothing but frustration and stress.
All because of this trapped feeling.
The feeling that I have to pick this one thing to do for the rest of my life.
I want to pick something that I am passionate about and can enjoy.
...and again I've got nothing.
So that is the stress in my life.

Moving on to the point of this post.
(I like to think there is always a point, but it normally ends up not being there)

The rest of my life is a blank page.
I can draw any picture.
I can write any poem.
The possibilities are endless.
There is no limit.
This is the beginning of who I can become.
But there is this one HUGE problem.
It's not that I am not motivated.
It's not that I am clueless.
It's the idea of not being happy.
Not doing the right thing.
It's FEAR.

I realize that every thing I do now has an affect on my future.
Transferring to a different college.
What college to transfer to.
Who I meet.
What I study....and on and on.
I know that everything I do will mold my future.
And that scares me.

So what are you afraid of?
What to do with...
The rest of your life?
A friendship?
A relationship?
A class?
A school?


Something I always seem to forget. 
Is that life is happening right now.
You can't stop it.
You can't slow it down.
There is nothing you can do but keep on going. 
Life is the most fragile thing we have.
Giving up is only letting yourself down.

For awhile I just stopped trying.
Giving up is the wrong thing to do.
We have one life.
It would be terrible to waste it with fear.
It is harder now that I realize it.
But I have to keep going on.

 So the point is...

Don't give up.
Don't be afraid.
Keep trying.
Stay strong.
Right here, right now.
This is your life.
What are you going to do with it?

~Janey Lu