So it's been a while.

Blogging... who would have thought I would ever come back.
But I guess life is what it is and I feel like sharing what it has been to me.
First of all maybe I should come right out and explain why I haven't blogged.
Moment of truth? Alright. Being censored. Yes, that's my answer. The truth is that in the past 3-4 years of my life I have been a closed book and there aren't many people who I would be willing to be open with.
Blogging for all of these people who think they know me just isn't appealing. Because maybe I am somebody else.
Anyways. I doubt anyone cares about that.
So moving on to the other stuff that people probably don't care about.
Life. Interesting to see how many people take it for granted.

Right now I am just living.
People have asked me why I'm not in a relationship. "Janey! Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
Umm... Well I'm simply not looking. At all. I don't know where I need to be in life and I rather not have an attachment. I've seen it go badly far to many times.

Moving on. Age. Everyone seems to ask me my age lately. I don't mind.
But it's insane. "What high school do you go to? When do you graduated? Are you starting college yet? You look 14. Are you like 20?" It just goes on and on. As I get older and older I realize age is irrelevant.

Moving on some more. This all has a point. Really.
Last weekend I was staying in a hotel. It was nice. Nice to be out of the house. Nice to be in a place that felt well different.
I had an amazing weekend. Met a lot of amazing/interesting people. Learned a lot. Saw the sunrise a few times. It was great. I had 4 hours of sleep but stayed up late and just wrote. It. Felt. So. Good.
Hotel room, shining stars, music, and words. Excellent.
I found that talking with people is a gateway to knowledge. Different people, stories, and advice.
Life is good.

Then the other night I talked to this lady.  I guess she is kind of a family friend.
She is what most people would call "very rich", but she told me about how hard life had been. And all I could think about is...Money doesn't make us happy. She told me age is nothing, maturity is what is important. She told me that I needed to find what I love explore it and spend my life doing it and moving forward doing things I love. But make wise, mature decisions. I'm learning. Learning a lot.

The story is longer, deeper, but I'm just not feeling this whole blog thing.
Basically. I don't blog anymore.
Life is good. Life is beautiful.
I am looking to grow. I'm on this constant search for beautiful things.
Living, breathing, is all good. I don't want to waste a moment of it.

I'm sorry this isn't very personal this isn't very "Janey-like" but then again how can one person be defined?
I won't avoid it, I think this is good bye.
Blogging is great to a certain extent. I love writing, just not like this not for some of these people.
No texting, no blogging, almost got rid of face book. Maybe I've become boring.
But right now I feel really alive.

Good bye blog readers.

:D

So it has been awhile.
The truth is I don't blog much because I have been consumed in poetry, novels, taking pictures, and writing.  A lot of writing.  Oh yes...and being a student fits in somewhere...Though I tend to neglect that.  So this great little blog is always neglected most.
But that's okay. I don't think very many people read it anyways.
Anyways...I have a really really great brother.
Probably the best in the world.
I could not even explain it if I tried.
But he got me these :)

And I have to tell you that Toms are great because "For every pair you purchase, Toms will give a pair of shoes to a child in need. One for One." So it is for a good cause. Also they are super super cool and comfortable. Simply amazing.

I think that is all.
Thank you Jimmy :D
You are the best!



~Janey Lu

So this is how it all started...

"Walking around campus is soo boring... They should get like a play place or something..."  I said half joking.
She looked at me like I was ridiculous.  "A play place?"  
"Umm... yes. Like a play place."
"What are you five?!?"  She glared at me, trying to shoot me down.
I didn't know how to react, it just came out. "Actually. Yes, I am five."

Walking the hallways at Delta.

I see a little girl.  Like a miniature kid, but not a baby.  Anyways she walked in front of me...
"Hello!"  She waved and smiled this huge smile radiating innocence.
I suppose someone should tell her NOT to talk to strangers...

But this is not where it ended. 

In Kmart, getting lots of candy.  Like a five year old.
"Sponge Bob Square Pants!  Sponge Bob Square Pants!"  The little boy yelled while jumping up and down with excitement.
"Shhhh...You stop it right now!"  His mother scolded.

So okay...what is the point of all of these random stories?

Well okay.
I realized today that I am no longer a five year old.  And you might think, "Great! It's about time you figured that out.  You are about to turn 19!"  And I think you are wrong!
I should be a five year old. 

Which brings me to confession time.

I am a hermit.  Avoiding people and awkward situations has become like walking, I do it all the time, sometimes I don't even notice.  I stop dreaming, because well I just can't afford to dream.  I stopped trusting others.  I don't show off the things I love.  I'm skinny but very very out of shape, but I am not motivated.

And how did I realize this?

Well the reasons are simple.  Why shouldn't I be a five year old?
When did we stop wanting to climb trees and play in the play place in Mcdonalds?
When did we stop smiling and waving at strangers?
When did we stop yelling about the things that make up happy?
When did we loose the excitement that we once had when we were young? 
Maybe it is because we are always told to "settle down", "be quiet", "you aren't smart enough", "you could never do that!"


Now the girl who asked me if I was five, in her defense she doesn't know me.  At all, but not to be mean, but I think she grew up a little bit too fast.  


So I am turning 19 soon.  And that scares me.  I hate it. Alot.
But I'm done growing up.
I'm going to start growing down.
If a five year old can be more honest about their feeling then a 19 year old...then I think that is sad.


It just so happens that I like climbing trees, and smiling and waving at strangers, and yelling about the things I love is something I don't do enough.  Also I am going to start working out tomorrow.


So yes, I am five.
I don't want become one of those college kids who are uptight and don't know what it means to be passionate about something.  Life is the most beautiful thing we will experience on this earth.Becoming consumed in lifeless routines and worries about the future will kill me.
Geez... I am almost 19, I'm not going to waste my life being lame.


I think that says it all.
No pictures.  Sorry.

You should be five.


~Janey Lu

Spring Break...SpRiNg BrEaK...SPRING BREAK!!

I guess no matter how you say it Spring Break is just Spring Break.

I haven't been doing much.  As far as Spring Break goes I guess I have been really busy but not busy at all. 

Lately I try to read.  But sleepy eyes win.

Try to write.  This crazy brain has a million of great words... just no order to put them in.

Try to figure out what to do with my life.  It makes me feel depressed.

I think about all of my great friends I have.  It makes me feel sad.

I think about the past.  I feel indifferent.

Think about the present.  I ignore it.

Think about the future.  And I can't. 

I'll strum my guitar maybe sing or hum some of the songs I have sorta written.  But it is always the same.

Same old same old... very NOT interesting.

I have been taking pictures of things... not very good picture.

All in all if you asked me how I was doing I would smile and say.  "Great, just great!"

The other day I was at Meijer, Mom told me to buy anything I wanted.  I decided that pears sounded wonderful...out of everything I could have got I settled on pears...weird...anyways.  I stood looking at the green pears for about 5 minutes.  I picked up about 30 different ones and only grabbed 2.  I looked behind me and this guy with this girl (about my age) were both giving me this crazy look.  Something that whispered to me "Look at that crazy girl with the pears..."  But for some reason I really didn't care.  I actually smiled a little and almost laughed out loud because... I really didn't care what they thought.  I didn't walk away with pink cheeks thinking about how I looked like a fool.  I simply did not care at all.  It was weird.

I feel like everything that I have said is pretty negative.  Maybe you are right.

But I feel like I am on the edge.  

The edge of something great.  

Something completely unknown.  

Something lovely.  

Something I need right now.

There is also something different.

Something else that is happening.

Something good.

Something that makes me close my eyes.

Makes me smile.

Pulls the strings of my heart.

Makes my heart beat faster and louder.

It forces me into action

It forces me to explore.

It makes me want to do something.

It's inspiration.

I feel inspired by a lot of things.

People. Nature. Songs. Books. Pictures. Poetry. Life. Love. Relationships.

The list is endless...

Not very interesting.  I know.

But to end on a simpler note.

I like my shoes and they were dirty so I cleaned them.

If you have shoes that you like and they are dirty.  Then you should think about cleaning them.

If you want to look at this in a deeper way I would say.

The trails of life you walk through may give your eyes beauty, but look at your shoes.

They must be dirty from the filth and troubles you walked through to reach that beauty.

Why don't you clean them?

~Janey Lu

Time.
Time is something that is constantly on my mind.  It sits on the walls of this house.  It rests on my wrist.  I hold it in my pocket. When I get to school I look to the wall to find it.
It has it's way of controlling me. 
In the morning I wake up because of it.  When I am on my way to class it makes me run.  
Time is honestly one of my biggest fears.  I live by it and it controls me.

Searching.

I hate looking for things. 
I have a big problem with losing things.  
I constantly get lost when I am going places.
Which means that I am constantly searching.
At this age apparently I should be looking for someone?(At least that's what people say. I beg to differ)
But that isn't all. I am not only searching for physical things.
I have this ongoing quest to find what I need to do with my life.
This endless journey of becoming who I should be.
A need to find some sort of meaning and reason for existing.
But why?
Why do I fear time when it is just falling through my fingertips?
Why do I search for meaning when living should mean everything?
I try to search for all of these things, but I end up being idle.
Doing nothing. Which is even worse.
Because I am simply fading away with time.

I realized something today.
I don't have to know everything right now.
It is important to appreciate the little things in life.

Things like hot cocoa in my Santa Claus mug.

 Playing in the snow in shorts.

Playing with animals.

And looking at the beauty that surrounds us.

Today I was dropping off a job application and the place I was going to wasn't opened yet. I ended up waiting outside for a little while with 2 really nice ladies.  I asked them what they were getting and stuff...they were both buying stuff for their kids.  They asked what I was getting I told them that I have been trying to get a job and was dropping off an application.  They were really nice and wished me the best.  After we talked for awhile we got in and I handed in my application.  As I was walking to the door one of the ladies stopped me and gave me this huge encouraging smile and said, "Good luck to you!".

It was the simplest 4 words, but they made my entire day because of the sincerity behind them. Needless to say...talking to strangers seems to be the biggest encouragement in my life lately.  
I feel like God has been putting new, random people and some old friends in my life to give me some direction and encouragement.  God it good.  


Don't forget to appreciate the little things in life!


~Janey Lu
 

Beautiful

Some people are so beautiful.

The greatest shame is that that don't know it.

The beauty they posses is not always outward.

I have come to realize that very few people are really outwardly beautiful... Of course that is according to the standard of our deceitful eyes.

It seems that the people I have come to meet and get to know who I would consider to be "beautiful" disappoint me as I talk to them.

I don't mean to judge.  It just happens...we all do it.

But some people seem to be a disappointment.

The people we never expect to learn a thing from seem to be the ones who teach us the most.

For instance there is a girl in one of my classes and to be honest when I saw her I felt bad for her.  She didn't really talk to anyone and no one sat to close to her.  Her face was hidden behind glasses.  She sort of wobbled around dropping her things as she made it into the classroom.  The professor seemed to treat her as if she were slow.  At first glance it is easy to assume that she is.  (I know very harsh...but I have to be honest) 

There was something about her and the way she sat in the very back of the classroom and stared at the board in a blank stare as the professor wrote down notes.  Little did I know she is like a sponge literally absorbing everything the professor says.  The only time I heard her talk was when another student addressed her, and she spoke with a loud voice and something I guess I would have call a lisp maybe?  But when the professor asked a question she was the 1st to raise her hand and she had this extremely detailed answer with words that made me scratch my head.  I was amazed, this girl who many thought to be slow turned out to be somewhat knowledgeable.  

But that wasn't the only thing that got me.  Her knowledge is something she really works on...and that inspires me.  Now whenever I see her I can't help but wonder how she is doing, how her classes are going...etc... To be honest. I would really like to be her friend.  Because after looking a little bit closer it became easier to see beauty in her.

I can't help but laugh when some of the most attractive people end up being jerks (no offense to you if you find yourself to be extremely attractive.  I am sure you are a very nice person ;) and hey we should be friends!) 

But yes. I would never want someone to think I walk around and mentally judge people on their looks...I don't.  I just tend to over analyze body language...I don't know maybe that is judgmental. That's not the point.

The point of is simple.  There is more to a person than what you see on the outside.  If we we stop looking at people with our eyes and start looking at people with our heart maybe life will be easier.

Continuing on...

This is what I do on weekends.

I think this is a lovely picture of AppleMac (yes I did name my laptop).

As for a life update...

Janey Lu does not talk to enough people.

She...

Is terrible at being a friend to people.

Is working on everything.

Plans on giving more high fives and thumbs up.

Why? Well just because.

She is working on a lot of cool things.

Learning a lot of things about herself.

Taking endless journeys.

Finds a lot of really good music lately.

Probably reads to much and talks to little.

But overall life is good.

She can't complain. Even though she does.

Something random that I think is funny.

This random cashier dude at Meijer that I talk to sometimes was bagging groceries.  A really old lady walks by (in old lady slow motion) he looks at her and smiles and says "Hey ma'am, whats up!"  She gave him the weirdest look ever and walks away faster.  

I laughed out loud.

...I guess that wasn't that funny...I guess you (whoever you are) had to of been there.

I didn't have anything that great to say, but if you made it this far and you actually read this entire thing then you are probably a stalker or you want to be my friend.  Well maybe not. 

But hey here is a virtual hug! (*Hugs*) 

Thanks for reading :D

~Janey Lu 

Don't break

You say that you're leaving.
Well take my hand I am coming with you.

You say the pain is to much. 
You say the knife is your only comfort.

The blood all over is only a color.
You are falling apart.
Your heart is broken you have had enough.
You can't handle another let down.
Everything is broken.
You don't want to see  tomorrow.
You don't want a new year.
You want this to be over. 
You don't believe in a cure.
There is nothing left.
Nothing worth it.
You can't take it.
This shattered life is a nightmare.

And you never get to open your eyes.
You say this is it.
There is nothing to look forward to.
So you cry.
The tears fall down.
You hate who you are.
You only see faults in what you have become.     

But it doesn't matter because your story is over now.

Well I say.
Kid I'm right here.
This is just the beginning.
I will be the one to hold you together. 
Remind you of love when you only feel hate.
I'm going to be your cure and your medicine.
Show you the unbelievable when you lose your faith. 

Feel your pain and make sure you are never alone.
I'm going to take that knife and heal those scars.
I'm going speak louder than the voice of your broken heart.
I'm going to show you meaning.
I'm going to tell you everything honestly.
We will find the beauty in who you are.
I swear I will be here when you need to fall apart. 

You say there is nothing left.

This is just another empty promise.
But I will die by my word.

I will stand by you, wherever you are.
Tomorrow is full of beauty.

Next week might bring pain.

But we will get through it together.

No one will get in the way.
I won't leave until you tell me to go. 
I'm going to be here.
Because I care.

And you have to know.

~Janey Lu